20 years old. 

20 years i lived and nothing much has changed.

i am still a student and my grades are worse than ever. 

i am still alone in the states

i am still struggling to find a job

i am still trying to get involve but fail

i am still trying to find out what i want to do with my life

i am still sitting here typing while not knowing wtf i am doing

20 years old sucks.

trying to figure out what you want to do with your life sucks

can i just skip this part and get a job and work

i always say friends are overrated

there is no need to meet new people or networking whatsoever

but is it because i don't need friends or i have friends that care and will be there with me.

i could undoubtfully say i have no friends here at school maybe 1 or 2 

but they all have their own passion and that is good enough

i don't. i try my best to fucking start something and i fail

i suck at school and my resume sucks

i have no one that is willing to be there for me

they say my friends are fake but at least they try to be there for me.

they tried but they think it is unnecessary.

why do i care. i just want someone to be there for me

i want someone that i could talk to

i want someone that understands me when i don't even understand myself

i don't want to be the one who cares and get nothing in return

at least volunteering makes other's lives better and that is a great satisfaction for me.

 

family

money

success

friendship

women

men

freedom

whatever it is when you want something try your best to grab hold of it.

but what if i have no idea what i what or what i need. what now? 

i don't know. 

friendship? i might need sometimes. this sounds very mean or inhumane or whatever but i am perfectly fine by myself. is this a lie though? could i survive without one single friend? family has always been the most important to me. but i always let them down. what am i thinking? why can't i push myself harder? 

relationships. do i need one? i am capable of taking care of myself and being a free person. am i? what is love? am i fooling myself? do i want to tell him i love you? i don't know.

what i know is i am lost. i have a sudden feeling of emptiness in me. my future is blurry and confusing. i have nothing. 

to clarify though, i am still a happy person don't think that i am depress. thinking is good. maybe i would know what i want so that i could do something good in my life and not waste it. 

there are too much water in my system. i cried.

not because i didn't get it. i am very happy about the result
this is just the day where i break down. and start thinking.

came back from school jumped on my bed and started bawling.
i don't know the reason or maybe i do i just don't want to admit it?
i feel pressure. not by anyone probably pressure from myself.
i couldn't breathe.
everything seems so difficult.
i do not belong here but where do i belong? i do not know
everyone is trying so hard to be involved besides having the passion
it's also good for your resume.
does that mean everyone is involved in something?
being the officer, starting a club being in a school team.
i did it out of passion and i get no return.
chantal is the outgoing person. no i am not.
it's so hard for me to be myself.
i need to be the special one i need to distinguish myself from others
that is the only way to excel and succeed
first year of college is almost over.
my grades literally sucks i am not involved in anything
i have no friends. my future is so close but so blurry
everything is out of order.
i started to think if this is not where i should be.
but where should i be and what should i do?
am i going to be successful and be the proud and smart girl my family hopes me to be?
i wanted to be but competing is so tiring. i do not know how long i could keep up with it.